Saturday, January 17, 2009

1 a.m. Rambling

The content of my blog has evolved dramatically since its inception. I initially started blogging in 2006 as a beta tester for a popular wedding website. The site wanted to determine whether blogs would catch the interest of overeager brides who already loved the site's message boards.

And, of course, wedding blogs gained popularity. Everything catches the interest of overeager brides. We're idiots that way.

Beta testing ran its course, and I wasn't a bride anymore. Just a wife. Boring wife.

I continued to write anyway. That's my thing. I write. It's not particularly artful or pretty or moving, but I write. I write because I can.

I moved the blog off the wedding website and chronicled my daily activities, no matter how mundane. I wrote about TV. I wrote about work. I wrote about people. I wrote about hopes. I wrote about frustrations. I wrote about feelings. I was very open. Sometimes too honest. Sometimes unkind.

All this bit me in the ass. Hard.

Longtime readers have noticed the transformation, I'm sure. I rarely publish posts with only text anymore. I no longer feel comfortable sharing my unadulterated thoughts. As delighted as any blogger is with astronomical hits, I feel odd about full exposure of who I am now.

And, again, there was that ass-biting incident.

You are what you eat. I suppose photos of what I eat are close to who I am.

Don't get me wrong -- I love the food. That's why I write about it so much. But that's not how all this began.

I sit here tonight, contemplating what I've done with my life, the paths I didn't take, and the choices I wish I hadn't made. I wonder what could've been. I wonder if I'd be happier in a different place. I read about people I know, people very much like me. I see what they're doing. I marvel at their creative pursuits. I get jealous.

It's a common theme that has followed me my entire life. I dream of things. The dreams are fleeting. Pragmatism swoops in and crushes those dreams. Pragmatism always rules the day. Pragmatism landed me here.

My brother and I were discussing birth order recently, and he remarked that the eldest sibling is usually the most responsible. Cursed birth order.

But, more than anything, I think it is fear.

I am not unhappy. I love and am loved by a select few. I like and am liked by a good handful. I am healthy. I am employed. I even have great teeth.

Yet something is missing.


  1. Aside from the blog popularity thing :-) I hear you

  2. Thank you for writing this. It is comforting for me but I think it OK to have these thoughts. I have them often, but I am slowly telling myself that I will always have them and I just have to suck it up and be OK with them. It's hard for me to tell me to suck it up. I don't always listen. And by the way, you do creative things and you are an intelligent person. And I think it's pretty obvious to a lot of people, especially people I don't know IRL. There.

  3. I hear you, I think it's a tri-life crisis thing.

    hopefully things will improve soon!

  4. Is it work that has you down? Can you take a sabbatical and do something crazy for a month or two? Sorry you are feeling this way.

  5. As a reader I appreciate the humor and candidness of what you write, ass-biting be damned. So, thanks.

  6. Yeah I definitely noticed the shift. Food's great and all but I've missed YOU. I get it. I don't really like being 'out there' anymore and I never even got a bad response.

    I may be one of those people you speak of who decided to change my life course. Deciding to pursue something that makes me happier has changed my life. I can happily sit through my miserable job because I'm able to see my future. I work out and eat less because I'm happier. I'm no longer resentful toward my husband for having a career that he loves and for the sacrifices we make so he can be somewhere he loves.

    I say all this because for a long time I've been so hoping for more for you. You are so much more than a prestigous and/or well paying 'job'. People are attracted to you because you are amazing and have a creative mind. You have the potential to be amazing. A stand out whether that's decorating cakes, writing a book (about weddings?), or starting a tshirt line, etc. I hope you persue something :)

    I realize now I should have emailed this...


    Your cheerleader

  7. I envy the people who take big risks and do whatever they wish, but, like you, I am pragmatic and risk averse. I've been trying hard to step outside the box though, even if I don't succeed. At least I tried.

    By the way, you're one hell of a writer (and a terrific photographer!) with great insights.

  8. I'm the youngest sibling. Yet this statement still applies: "Pragmatism swoops in and crushes those dreams." I think we all go through these contemplative stages. It's hard not to as you get older. And now I'm just rambling too. :-/

  9. oh i share your fear of being too exposed. i often write about what is on my mind but never hit the post button since i think it will probably bite me in the butt!

    i also have been going in & out of who i am, what i want to be, & how i want to live my life phase. everyone goes thru that every so often. i guess we just have to stop sometimes as our days, weeks, & months past to keep ourself accountable & keep us on track of how we go thru life.... i'm sure you'll find your way again. just like how u have in the past!

  10. if you ever stopped blogging I would still force you to email me a post every day so I could get my WeeMo fill...

    and the funny thing... i was TOTALLY up at 4am (1am your time) blogging because Rocco barked and I couldn't fall back asleep.

    Treat yourself to something nice today!!

  11. Life is like that... a constant struggle/strive for happiness. We change, the people change around us, our circumstances change. Then we need to adjust to our new reality. Get rid of old crap and bring in "what's missing."

    It happens all throughout life, if you really think about it.

    You'll find "it"... no doubt about it. :)

  12. I haven't been a reader of your blog for very long, but I appreciate everything you write. I love your wit, humor, etc. I think it is only natural to evaluate your life from time to time....and not always be fulfilled. Even if we think we should be. Like Lithuania said...I think it's some sort of 30's crisis. Am I where I should be? Did I do the right things? All we can do is learn from it and try to improve upon the things we think need chaning. Good luck! I hope you find what is missing. Not that you know me that well, but I think you are a wonderful person!

  13. I love reading your blog, even if you do leave out the more personal emo side of you. I feel like your writing and photography gives me a good sense of who you are. It's not the actual words or pictures but the way you compose them. It's beautiful.

    I blog about very personal issues from time to time. I'm sure one of these days it will bite me in my ass but having it out there in the world helps me process things.

    I took a leap of faith and decided to make a drastic change in my career. It will likely never provide the kind of money I used to make in advertising, but I finally feel like I'm really living.

    Keep your head up sister, and keep on blogging the way YOU feel comfortable. I'll appreciate your blog regardless!

  14. I've been reading from the beginning of (WeeMo blogging) time, and even though I completely understand what you are saying.

    As far as "it" goes, I personally think you have a lot of "its" that others wish they had. :)

    hugs :)

  15. Well at least you have the great teeth thing going for you ;-)

    What ass biting incident?

  16. I love your food shots, and recaps, but I do miss the introspections of one Miss WeeMo.
    I am also a pragmatic person, and I am so risk averse it's laughable. I have been feeling the same way myself lately, wondering what I'm talented at, where I'm going, where William and I are going together. Those are good things to wonder because it means you're not stuck, but I also know how frustrating it can be to feel roadblocks in your way.
    I certainly don't have a popular blog, but I know what you mean about putting yourself out there. There are several topics that in real life friends know about but I can't bring myself to write about on the site, because one look at my sitemeter and I almost fall over. I pretend it's not there, but I do go to great lengths to try to not create any misunderstandings or oversharings about people who I know in real life that might be reading. I'm always here if you want to talk.

  17. Your favorite Florida reader sometimes misses some of the introspective Monkey that made me feel like I still worked down the hall and was getting regular life updates! :-) But I get it.

    I get this whole post, actually. When practicality pays the bills, it's scary to imagine something else. Although consider: your personal circumstances probably do allow you some freedom to take risk, and you certainly have the talents to do those other things.

    Still writes bits and pieces of a novel in her free time but will probably always be a lawyer, so has no room to give advice here

  18. I hear ya. Hang in there, WeeMo.

  19. I am sad, and I hope this feeling is unfounded. I hope this is a passing thing for you, because it's not very often that I hear you sound so down. For what little it's worth, you bring a lot of laughter and joy to my life, regardless of what you write in your blog. I hope you're ok. And I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, we all go through phases. And I agree that you have so much to be grateful for, and I hope that outweighs whatever bad stuff you have going on. At the very least, you have friends that really love and care about you, and that you touch very deeply. Perhaps more than you know.

  20. Ditto D *hugs* My MIL would say that you should have a baby, that makes everything better. I am laughing because I know if I told you this in person you would punch me in the face ;)

  21. I like your blog. Granted, I can't always relate, because I just don't get that excited about food and sometimes I don't know what to say as a result. But it gives me a glimpse into a life that's not mine, and that's something that I really enjoy.

    I have to say that I really appreciate posts like this because they offer a lot of insight into who you are, and plus I like emo stuff - I'm just a sucker for it, which is why it's all over my blog. ;)

    Roy and I were discussing today how being a blogger brings about a whole new set of challenges, mostly because of the whole public nature of the business. It sounds like that's what you're struggling with here - and also with wanting to do something more creative with your life, which is definitely a theme in my own life. It's always tough because there is definitely that need to be practical but the desire to do something "real."

    Anyway, not sure if that made any sense, but those are my thoughts.

  22. Maybe this won't mean much coming from an internet stranger, but I've appreciated your honesty in previous entries. This entry is no exception, and I can relate to some of the feelings you're going through.

    Hang in there.

  23. I really miss your old shit-talking posts.

  24. ditto winnie and FGD. haha!

    i realized lately that i haven't had many deep thoughts or been as introspective as i usually am, and i rarely ever share any of that on the blog despite the fact that i value it so much when others do.

    hang in there. hopefully you'll find "it" somewhere along the journey.

  25. Awwwww. I realized years ago that the biggest obstacle between me and my dreams is me and all my fears and insecurities. Just knowing that, and that I'm always free to step out of my own way at any time, helps me feel better. xxxx

  26. Hey - hang in there, from a mostly lurker here. Take comfort from the fact that at least you are aware something is "missing." But also know that it's a rare person who knows exactly what he/she wants and single-mindedly goes after it. I do have a number of friends who are like that, and I envy them their success. Then there are some friends who are still striving and I envy their commitment. I wished I was so sure of what I wanted in life, so specific, but that is not my lot in life and I've made peace with it. What I do try to be is open to opportunities, even those that I would not have found appealing in my more judgemental youth -- that's how I met my husband and landed my current job. I really believe you have that openess and curiosity, which is way more than can be said for a lot of folks. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe you can shake things up a bit little by little -- which I think you're already doing but perhaps you can do more. One last thing - I don't mind photo-less posts, but hear where you're coming from about not wanting to be so emo on your blog, which is why I haven't been able to get one going for myself. Keep at it!

  27. WeeMo, you're a wonderful person, even though I only know you through cyberspace. Ever since "meeting you" on that certain board 2-3 years ago, I've always enjoyed your witty humor. Being on that board and seeing your witty remarks brought a smile to my day during those stressful times.

    I'm glad to have found your blog through D's blog. I have rediscovered WeeMo! Reading your blog still brings a smile to my face.

    You're a special person regardless of what you do or what you don't do. People love you for who you are. You will figure out whatever that's bothering you. We all go through times like this in life, and it is not easy. Whatever you decide, you're still wonderful WeeMo to me! Don't ever forget that!


  28. you know that i am in that group of the select few who love you. i miss the old emo posts too, but i feel lucky in that i can be emo with you (and vice-versa) IRL.

    i've often thought about my life and the choices i've made and whether or not i'd be happier if i'd done this, or done that. it's a neverending cycle, and i think it's only human to wonder if the grass truly would be greener on that other side. but the choices we make and the life we live shapes who we are, and i'm pretty happy with who i am. i suspect that you're pretty darn happy with who you are, too, and that's just the way it should be.

    <3 <3

  29. Tap into the fear and you'll find the answer. Read about shadow work. Sable Crow and I have been in the thick of it for the last year. It's hard work - emotional and psychological and ego work - but shining a light on the shadow is the only way to find your self, the real you, the WHoLE you. kiss.

  30. Hang in there! And know that so many people enjoy ready your witty hilarious blog.

  31. Diabolina, as usual, guided me here to read this post.

    I agree with her on the shadow work. It is the most rewarding work you can do for yourself. I say that with many years of self-exploration behind me, and probably ahead.

    To begin working with the shadow, find the things that irritate you or that you judge, and begin to unravel "why". Carefully observe the things for which you criticise yourself. Be unflinchingly honest. But be forgiving and kind and open. It's not to be mastered. It is, like law, an evolving practise.

    That path leads to a place of love and wholeness. None fail who seek to find wisdom on that path. It is terrifying, and hurts, and you will get no credit for it, but it is the best thing you can do.

  32. I enjoyed this post. You put yourself out there like the "olden days posts." I always enjoy your restaurant review posts and seeing what you wear to work but missed YOU.

  33. I love you, Monkey. No matter what you write about. :)

    Isn't it strange that these feelings creep up every so often and make us question what we're doing with life? Makes us think about our paths? You know I'm there with you, my friend. I'm beginning to think that successful/smart/aware people will do that from time to time as a sort of internal check. It's going to happen to us all at some point and maybe it's not a bad thing.

    I don't know. What I do know is that it's nice to hear someone I think has made some great choices in life still has these moments like I do. Makes me feel more normal. :) You're not alone. Knowing that makes me feel better sometimes.

    *big hug for you*

  34. Follow your bliss, homie.
    If you're feeling like a change, it's time to make it happen.
    To quote Steve Jobs

    "For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

    Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.

    Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

    Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. "

  35. i know we already chatted about this, but just wanted to leave you love and hugs.

  36. I know this feeling.

    And, ditto what Amber said.

    Hang in there.


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