Thursday, November 29, 2007

Lady of Leisure, Days Two (For Real) and Three

As some of you may have gleaned from the nonsense I posted yesterday, Day Two as a Lady of Leisure was not that enjoyable, at least not until nighttime. I'll do another little schedule for you.

08:30 Wake up.

09:30 Drive to new workplace.
09:47 Arrive at new workplace. Fill out paperwork.

10:30 Continue to fill out damn paperwork.

11:00 The amount of paperwork is insane.
11:30 What is this place? The CIA? Ah, yes. Maybe my new job is with the CIA.
11:45 Realize I don't know where the hell my social security card is. Fuck.

12:00 Leave workplace to go home to charge dead phone. Stupid me.
12:19 Eat Taiwanese meatball for lunch. Mmm.
12:45 Phone is slightly charged. Rush back out.

13:07 Arrive at health clinic. Ask if I may further charge my phone. I may. Yay.
13:25 Name is called.
13:36 Wash hands. Technician who looks like Santa Claus hands me a cup.
13:37 Pee in cup. Marvel at my great aim. Set cup on floor. Pee more in toilet.
13:39 Hand cup to Santa Claus, who remarks that I have lots of pee. Wash up.
13:43 Drive to nearest Social Security Office.
13:53 Arrive at remarkably close Social Security Office.
13:55 Get number. Sit down.

14:01 Notice nearby outlet in wall. Plug phone in to charge some more.
14:09 Security guard says, "Stop that. Will you reimburse the government?"
14:10 "With all due respect, sir, we all pay taxes for this office's services."
14:11 Guard stares and scowls for what seems an eternity. "Unplug it, ma'am."
14:12 Monkey is pissed more about the "ma'am" than about having to unplug.
14:30 Woman starts bitching only "people from Asia" are helped in the office.
14:31 Give woman a dirty look.
14:32 Contemplate ways to smack woman in head non-chalantly.
14:40 So fucking bored. Browse Internet and e-mails on iPhone.
14:55 Security guard bellows, "Turn it off. Can't you read?"
14:56 Glance at sign that says, "Turn off cell phones." Protest, "But it's silent."
14:57 "Turn it off."
14:58 "Isn't the point of the rule not to bother others? I'm being quiet."
14:59 "Turn it off."

15:00 Seethe with hatred of the guard. I want to kick him in the penis.
15:01 Number is called. Finally.
15:02 Replacement card is ordered. Receipt is printed. Drive back to workplace.
15:12 Give workplace receipt.
15:13 Workplace says it needs receipt with my SSN on it. Look at receipt. ARGH.
15:15 Drive back to Hell.
15:25 Arrive at Hell. Security guard stares at me. I hate him. Feeling is mutual.
15:26 Get number. Sit down. Again.
15:46 Nice lady who helped me before notices me and calls me up.
15:47 Go to window, while being glared at by everybody else still waiting.
15:48 Nice lady fixes the receipt and faxes it directly to workplace.
15:49 Give security guard the finger. Ok, that was just in my head.
15:50 Sit in car and wonder whether I should go home or start driving to dinner.

16:15 Stuck in traffic on a small random freeway with heavy construction.
16:25 Pass exit for home. Decide to journey on to dinner at the country club.

17:25 Exit the freeway to the country club.
17:26 Keep driving aimlessly down the street to pass time.
17:36 Still driving aimlessly.
17:46 Realize I am driving aimlessly. Turn around to go to the country club.
17:56 Run into Target to pick up some conditioner.

18:05 Arrive at the country club, and hope that R is not already there.
18:18 R arrives. It's hard to find the club in the dark.

22:00 We finally leave the club. Yes, we talked for nearly four hours! So fun!
22:45 Arrive home. Take a shower. Lounge about in PJs.

04:00 Go to sleep. I am a bumbling idiotic insomniac.

Thank you, R, for making the end of my not-so-great day just the opposite!

Today has been far more pleasant, at least so far. It started off much earlier than I'd planned.

At 8:30 a.m., my new workplace called me. WTF?! Isn't there some rule that you don't call people before 9:00 a.m.? More specifically, there is a rule that you don't call the Monkey before 11:00 a.m. on her days of leisure.

The woman told me I had to do my drug testing again. Apparently, yesterday's sample was "too diluted."

I asked, "What does that mean?"
She replied, "I don't know."
I said, "Well, that's not very helpful. I guess I have to dehydrate myself today."

Then she said something else. I mumbled something, and then I hung up. After all, I went to sleep at 4 a.m.

I woke up again around 11ish, checked my e-mail, and solidified lunch plans with some old co-workers who'd missed my last day. Bootcamper had to file a motion for summary judgment on Monday. Talksa was out of the office for a remote court appearance or depo. Cheeks was in Mexico. BPLJ and Pescado joined us, too.

I had a crepe, of course. It's Thursday! But the culinary highlight of lunch was trying more flavors of moonpillows. They have a website now, too. Hooray! It's still in the nascent stages, but at least it's up and running. I am excited for them to grow. Tiffany (the mastermind behind moonpillows) is so cool. She even remembered my name from the last time I bought mochi truffles!

Today, I got a French Roast, Strawberry-White Balsamic, and Chocolate-Hazelnut. You can read their descriptions below.

I wanted a picture with Bootcamper and Talksa, so I asked BPLJ to take this. Yeah, they're in work clothes, and I'm wearing a vintage Transformers t-shirt.

BPLJ said I should take a pic of the guys, too. This is their attempt to recreate our photo.

Then I was off to go piss in a cup again. Whee! Here's where I met Santa Claus for our second pee pee date. Sexy.

Everybody cross your fingers that I'm not "too diluted" again. What can I say? I like being hydrated.


  1. I am so frustrated just reading about your day :-\

  2. I was "too diluted" three times (!) a couple jobs ago. So damn frustrating!

  3. 10:00am Clean my dungeon
    10:15am Choose pretty outfit for Precious
    10:18am Tell Precious she is a "very bad doggy!"
    10:40am Experiment with gender identity 11:00am Apologize to Precious and give her a make-up-hug

  4. I can't believe the feking security guard was giving you shit for using electricity!

  5. I saw Santa today, too! At the CVS near my house. He was buying moisturizer.

  6. I love your Transformers T and CW pics. :) Boo to the rest of the bad day!

  7. although it was frustrating for you, it was fun as hell to read about it. :) are you really working for the CIA???

  8. LOve that the co workers were in stuffy clothes and you were in your tee.

    F yea.

  9. Hope you weren't too diluted today!

  10. Ok... first that was the most non-leisure day EVER.
    Insane of you to remember what time you peed. But even more insane is that you pee, then set up on floor.

    I've always done the pee a little, then put in in stream (so to finish in the cup). Funny how we all peed differently and yet so uniquely ;)

  11. I love this post. It reads like a bad time sheet. :)

  12. is it bad that after all that, the only thing i really want to comment on is the moonpillows?


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