But I did watch 90210 on delay. By popular demand, here are the Monkey musings!
We start with a hectic breakfast at the New Walsh household. Mrs. New Walsh is abandoned amidst the hustle and bustle. Wah wah wah.
Faux Dylan and Blonde Bitch have a "conversation" at her locker. Who writes this shit? I'm so used to Gossip Girl, which is so swift and punchy. This is craptacular in comparison. It's like someone wrote it with her feet. While drunk.
Navid invites everybody to a screening of the new Bond movie at his place. Fancy.
Jetsetter bumps into New Brenda. His hair is lametarded. It's like an oversized rug crossed with The Beatles' hair circa Eight Days a Week. She says she'll go out with him anyway. She loves that rug. And the jet. The ladies can't resist the jet.
Mrs. New Walsh says, "I feel like we don't see each other anymore." You know what I saw? This plotline coming! Family Night. Groan. Why is it always Mom that insists on Family Night? Because Dad doesn't really want to do Family Night either. That's why.
Silver lives at a women's shelter? Hmm.
What the fuck is Blonde Bitch wearing? A denim shorts jumpsuit? You should see my face right now.
Intro credits continue to roll. Music by Liz Phair. Really? Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Good-bye, edgy! Hello, schmaltzy!
Scruffy Teacher is lame, lame, lame. The "conversation" he and Kelly have is painful. Yes, I know I've used "conversation" twice now. Make that three times. There's just no better way to describe it than with artfully placed quotation marks. Look at me doing the air-quotes. See the air-quotes? It's that bad.
Jetsetter and New Brenda concoct an "accidental meeting" at 8 p.m. at Lucky Strike during the New Walsh Family Night. New Brandon makes a similar plan with Navid for the Bond screening.
Silver's reaction to Family Night: "That sounds very PG." Yet her interest is piqued.
Blonde Bitch's daddy bails on their Vegas trip. Her consolation prize is a lowly Mercedes M-Class SUV. She is pissed. I would be, too. That's an ugly-ass car. He should've gotten her the G-Class. Duh.
Oh, she's pissed about not being able to spend time with him. Nevermind. (But, still, the M-Class is hids.)
Silver shows up to Family Night! Because her own family sucks!
I don't like Scruffy Teacher. He just isn't cute. Ok, who is the father of Kelly's son? It's gotta be Dylan. Come back, Dylan! I say this, even though I'm more of a Brandon fan. Someone! Anyone! Please come and replace Scruffy Teacher!
Silver loves the New Walshes!
"I guess people around here don't really do Family Night," whines Mrs. New Walsh. Gah. Shut up already, Lori Laughlin.
Navid and Faux Dylan arrive. Navid has his own bowling ball. Love. So far, he is the only thing that amuses me on this show. A bowling montage ensues. Montage! Cheesier than a dairy farm!
Mr. Monkey says, "Lucky Strike sure is getting a lot of pub." Yes, he is an unwilling viewer again. What a nice Monkey. He thinks Blonde Bitch looks like Jessie Spano. Elizabeth Berkeley was in his class in high school, but he says she was hardly ever there. Obviously. Ricky Schroeder and Incubus went to his school, too. It's like a Factory O' Fame.
Blonde Bitch shall hereinafter be referred to as Jessie Spano in honor of Mr. Monkey. Please take note. Thank you.
Jetsetter comes right in time to see New Brenda giggling with Faux Dylan. Dun dun dun.
Jessie Spano brings takeout from Nobu to her dad at his office and catches him liplocked with Skank Ho who isn't her mom.
Vampire Weekend's "A-Punk" plays as New Brenda babbles on and on about Chris Brown with Jetsetter. Incredibly poor pairing of music and plot. Oh, 90210, you are no Gossip Girl.
Jessie Spano is broken up over seeing her dad kissing Skank Ho. I keep hoping she'll freak out and blabber, "I'm...so...scared!" Alas, she does not. Too bad.
Jetsetter ditches New Brenda after she goes to gawk at the Jessie Spano drama. Then New Brenda and Silver join the Bond crew.
Mrs. New Walsh drinks wine and continues to bitch about her children not wanting to do Family Night. B-O-R-I-N-G.
Cut to Kelly and Scruffy Teacher talking in a parked car. This makes no sense. I want to slit my wrists. Make. It. Stop.
Scruffy Teacher: What are we doing?
Kelly: We're colleagues...hanging out.
Then they have a sloppy makeout sesh.
Do you do that with your colleagues? I don't. Just sayin'.
Silver is growing on me. She is like an itty-bitty Jennifer Connelly. She should just move in with the New Walshes. And where is her blog? Bring back the blog!
New Brandon takes out the trash. Lo and behold, he spots Silver sleeping in her car. She fesses up to staying at the women's shelter for a few weeks now. As we all know (well, "we," meaning all the old people who watched the original show), Silver's mom is a raging drunk. Silver just can't deal anymore. New Brandon and Silver hug. Aww. Now this is the hokey 90210 I remember.
Jessie Spano crawls into bed with her mom and cuddles. I would aww at this, too, if I wasn't having images of Showgirls dancing in my head. I want her to wear Versace and call it "Ver-SAYSS."
New Brandon tells Silver they should tell Mr. Belding about Silver's alky mommy.
And then New Brandon has his first big quasi-monologue:
Yes, indeed. You experienced all that on The Wire, New Brandon. We know.You don't think I know what you're going through? I didn't grow up in the Cosby family. You think every other family I lived with was like this? No! I know what it's like to be around someone who's wasted out of their mind! I know what that stuff does to people, which is why I'll never do it myself.
Silver becomes a new temporary member of the New Walsh household. Hooray!
Kelly and Mr. Belding have coffee and talk about Silver's situation.
Jessie Spano tells her mom, Old Flame, that she saw her dad kissing Skanky Ho.
Old Flame is cool as a cucumber. "Her name is Gail. I know all about her." He's been seeing her for two years. Jessie Spano is distraught. Old Flame is nonchalant.
Jessie Spano: Mom, what kind of life is this?
Old Flame: Oh, sweetheart, it's one that I don't want to lose.
Evidently, Old Flame is content with her ugly M-Class Benz.
Kelly confronts Raging Drunk Mama. Shouting! Namecalling!
Raging Drunk Mama: Oh, get out! I am tired of both of you!
Kelly: Good job, Mom.
Musical montage. Leona Lewis sings "Better in Time." No dialogue. What a respite. Jessie Spano and Old Flame lie by the pool. Old Flame gets kissed by her cheating husband and acts like all is hunky-dory. Silver, Kelly, and her son eat ice cream and popcorn in bed. The New Walshes have breakfast and make plans for Family Night at the Hollywood Bowl.
No Brenda at all in this episode. Booooooooooo!
Scenes from next week's epi:
Scruffy Teacher talks to Brenda about Kelly. Kelly is miffed. "You were talking to Brenda about me?" Ooooooh. Will I watch? What do you think?
Now I am watching Privileged. We shall see if this is worth my time. It's rumored to be Gilmore Girls-like. And I love Gilmore Girls. Fingers crossed.
A smart, witty, slightly geeky girl with an Ivy League degree in English literature who wants to write for a living but isn't doing what she wants to do quite yet?
Throw in a decent indie soundtrack (and some ba-ba-ing songs totally reminiscent of Gilmore Girls), a personable gay chef, two cute boys, a perfectly-cast Anne Archer, a pinch of bitchiness, and a dash of rapid banter -- even more sold! I'm kinda in love. Please watch. Tell me if you agree.